October 12, 1998, I was six years old, it was two days after my younger brother turned 3, and Matthew Shepard, a young white gay man, was beaten, tortured, and left to die on the side of a rode in Laramie, Wyoming. October 4 & 5, 2015, I am 23 years old, its 5 days before my brother’s 19th birthday, and Kiesha Jenkins, a black trans woman, and Melvin, a gender-non-conforming gay black man, were both murdered in Philadelphia within 24 hours of each other. The prompt for this class asked me to write about a spiritual experience that involved tears. As I am crying right now praying that God welcomes these two powerful and beautiful people into heaven, I feel that right now it’s spiritual.
Grieving the loss of queer life has become almost a monthly spiritual practice for me.
My mother facebook stalked my boyfriend and called me to tell me that she thinks he’s cute. machinegunheart
“Intersexuality” speaks to the deconstruction and reconstruction of the human form where biological sex is not a replication of the generation that birth it, but is instead reconstructed understanding that sex is a complex creation unique to each person’s body.
Stuff I just wrote that I super dig, and thus wanted to share.To start off I apologize to you, my followers, for my spam of pictures of my face and my time here in Boston. Its funny because before I came here. every person I talked to warned me that I wasn’t “cut out” for Boston. They told me that I was “too nice”, “too West Coast”, “too polite” for the East Coast. After being here for two days, I am proud to say that I think they were partially wrong. I am too nice and too “West Coast” to drive here. The rumors, about Massachusetts drivers being awful, are true, and I am really happy my father has joined me on this adventure in grad school visits because if I had to drive in this traffic alone, I would probably be dead.
So now that little introductory paragraph is done with, lets get on with the good stuff! The schools so far have been amazing! Yesterday I spent the whole day at the Harvard Divinity School for their annual Theological Education Day. A day in which all prospective students come to HDS and get a feel for the faculty, the programs, the area, and the community! It was a long exhausting day but oh so rewarding. It was, and I am not a charismatic person and I don’t say this often, a Holy Spirit moment. I met other aspiring ministers and theologians and to have that opportunity, to be in a space where people have a joy and passion for ministry and theological discourse similar to myself, means the world to me.
When you are like me and spend a lot of your time in radical queer (though primarily secular) spaces and in conservative Catholic (though in a way too canonical) spaces; you tend to get discouraged with your ambitions because you don’t have a lot of people with whom you can talk to. Don’t get me wrong my queer friends and my catholic friends are super supportive and wonderful and we do talk about these things! Its just, its nice when you don’t have to translate, when you don’t have to worry about saying something that the other person won’t understand, or when you are in a community of people who not only don’t agree on anything but find pleasure and support in the disagreement. This is what my grad school visits are teaching me.
I will keep doing posts on my thoughts about this journey within the coming weeks.
forgivness does not mean you can let people pass for not doing their part. I can forgive everyone who has done me wrong, but that does not erase their actions.
Forgiveness cannot erase my emotions. Forgiveness can help me in the process in healing but it is a slow and painful process.
Forgiveness is not a band-aid.
Forgiveness is not a get-out-of-jail free card.
Forgiveness is not accepting people who do you wrong, and allowing them to keep doing wrong to you.
Forgiveness is a constant process. It is an intentional choice to help people become better.
Forgiveness is looking at someone who called you a “fa**ot” and hugging them until they realize that you feel pain.
Forgiveness is a two-way street. It is not something I do to another with out receiving it in return.
Forgiveness is what keeps love strong, but it is intertwined with compromise, and we cannot forget that.
Forgiveness is a constant process. Every morning I wake up I choose to forgive, not to forget, but to forgive.
Forgiveness can help change the world, but if there it is not reciprocated then the world will remain on its tight-rope axis.
Privilege is not a bad thing.
Having privilege does not make you a bad person.
Being unware to the fact that you benefit from our fucked up society because of your privilege is bad.
Refusing to listen to voices of marginalized communities and assuming that you have nothing to learn from them is misusing your privilege.
When wanting to use your privilege for good; do research, ask people from the community how they want you to help them in their cause, (if they’re response is shut up, sit down, and listen, then you should shut up, sit down and listen) and work to use your privilege to better the bonds between community.
Understand that having privilege is not your fault. When marginalized communities call you out and have you check your privilege, do it. Also recognize what they are asking you to do is not to feel bad but the be aware that this system we are in while benefiting you does not mean it benefits all.
People from marginalized communities speaking on the issues their communities face need to be listened to.You do not tell a Math teacher how to do their job, because they are an expert in math where you are not. Same goes for marginalized communities, you, as an ally or outsider person, do not have the right to tell marginalized communities how they are suppose to understand society’s role in their community. They already know and you cannot relate to them.
Being called out does not make you a bad person. Ask any person in any social justice movement. We have all been called out. We have all fucked up. We do not get defensive. We say thank you. We check ourselves. We move on. Nobody has time for allies tears with the lives of marginalized community members are on the line.
Did you attend Catholic School or Public school?
Catholic School Kindergarten through High School
What was the name of your parish?
St. Anthony of Padua and Sacred Heart
What age were you Confirmed?
16
What is your confirmation saint?
St. Sergius the Martyr
Is there a saint you have a special connection or devotion to? Why?
Mary, the mother of God*, is my favorite saint. She has helped me through more things than I can even count. St. Felicity, St. Perpetua, St. Sergius, and St. Bacchus are all martyr saints who died for Christian faith but were also in extremely close same-sex relationships (not necessarily sexual) and were joined by the early Christian brother-making ceremony, so their stories really speak to me as a queer Catholic.
Do you serve a ministry at Mass?
Yes, I am a Lector as well as an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist.
Which Mass do you usually attend? (Saturday, early Sunday, etc)
Sunday Evening typically.
Organ or Piano? What instruments do you like to hear at Mass?
My home parish had an organ, which was okay. My university’s Catholic group has a band with a guitar, keyboard, flute, trumpet.
What do the stained glass windows in your church depict?
My home church one the ground level had windows depicting the lives of various saints, while higher up, more towards the roof, the windows depicted the life of Christ including his Passion. With one large circular window with the Holy Mother at the back of the Church.
What shape is your church?
Its a square-ish thing… but my chapel in high school was a Cathedral and it was in the shape of a cross.
Do you have padded pews in your church?
Nope.
Does your church have carpet?
Only in certain parts.
Does your church have a Crucifix as the focal point?
Yes
Is the Tabernacle in your church at the front or in a side chapel?
Side Chapel at my home parish, front of the church at my university.
Does your church have a choir loft?
Yes but no one ever uses it.
Does your church have an school with it?
My home parish has an elementary school with it. (which is the school I attended)
What is your favorite event that your church puts on?
I love my parish’s mardi gras festival to celebrate before Lent. I also love our Holy Thursday mass and the washing of the feet. Also pretty much all of Holy Week and my parish does a living stations of the cross (which I have participated in numerous times growing up).
Do you hold hands during the Our Father?
Yes… but at school a large portion of our community doesnt and it makes me sad.
Do you kneel before Communion? After?
Both.
Do you light votive candles for prayers?
When I have time.
What church have you visited that impressed you the most?
St. Peter’s in Rome…. it was huge, gorgeous, amazing. Also St. Mary’s in a town near my school. Its a tiny parish but their church is beautiful in the most un-explainable way.
Which church would you most like to visit?
Notre Dame in Paris and I would love to do a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe.
Have you had a really terrible religious experience?
I have had some awful confession experiences. Where priests have told me that I was going to contract AIDS and die…. Also just a lot of bigotry and micro-aggressions from “friends” in my university’s Catholic group.
Have you had a prayer that was answered just the way you’d hoped?
No
Have you had a prayer answered opposite the way you’d hoped and then it turned out to be awesome?
Yes
When did you really feel awakened in your faith?
My freshmen year of college. I had a beautiful life-changing metanoia when I meditated on the rosary and Mary really brought me closer to God.
Do you know someone who has converted?
Yup
Do you know someone who is converting?
Yup
Do you know someone who has fallen away?
Yup
Do you know someone who has come back to the faith?
Yup
Do you like contemporary Christian music?
Depends… there is some really good stuff
Do you like Gregorian chants?
Ehhh… they’re okay.
Do you go to Latin Masses?
I’ve been to a few. They are alright.
Do you like the smell of incense?
Yes! Its one of my favorite smells ever!
What is your favorite Gospel?
John or Matthew
Have you ever visited a seminary?
Yup
Have you ever visited a monastery?
No, but I want/need to! My favorite priest just became a monk.
Have you ever visited a convent?
Nope.
My roommate saw me in my boxer briefs and now she won’t stop giving me shit… apparently i’m “well endowed”… I don’t know. But now she’s making comments all the time. … She said it makes up for the fact that my ass is flat. I don’t even know.
So far I have:
ALL BEFORE 2 PM
of putting you in the perfect mood. Like I am so happy right now. Sitting on my couch listening to gay country music, exploring the internet, trying to write a poem, and just letting everything I need to be doing hang out by the way side. I’m still nervous about my applications. I’m still nervous about my future. I’m still nervous that my life is about the exponentially get harder.
But you know what. I accept it. I accept my fears and my nerves. I am beyond excited to start school this Monday. I want to continue my studies. I want to finish my last year of college off strong. I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t need a reason to be happy. I am happy. I am so fucking happy.
Thats what today has shown me. I got to play with a puppy. Make a sandwich. Watch Star Trek. And take to some amazing people here on tumblr.
Creation does not begin. Creation has not start. Creation, just like me, is. It is a continuous process of overwhelming emotions, too much ice cream, and never enough prayer.
Today Life has shown me that my life is just going to a different realm of creating. I am creating my tomorrow right now. That is a beautiful thing. So i give my graces, my blessings, my happy thoughts to all you. You who are following this random-ass collection of my thoughts and experiences and willing to help me through the ups and downs. So thank you.
The “My Face” Page on my tumblr has pictures going back to high school… its weird to look back at me from 4 years ago…
Step 1: Go to local coffee shop because you don’t have internet in your house.
Step 2: Freak out because you forgot your SSN… then breathe because you remembered it.
Step 3: Freak out because you’re applying to Harvard and you are the first person in your family to go to Grad school.
Step 4: Freak out because you can’t decide on your area of focus… because Theology, Literature, and Culture sounds like fun but Women, Gender, Sexuality, and Religion is more related to what you want to get a PhD in.
Step 5: Try to call your mom.
Step 6: Freak out and hang up fast when your mom doesn’t answer her phone.
Step 7: Cry internally.
Step 8: Vent on the internet.
Step 9: Repeat steps 4 through 8.