Something Queer in the Library

I am actually about to pass out but I felt the need to share with you all what I have been doing for the past three days…

This past weekend I have been on an intense retreat, both emotionally and spiritually. I have been doing this retreat every year for the past 3 years and each year I learn something new about myself, about my community, and about God. 

This year was especially enlightening. I was able to receive the sacrament of Reconciliation without having an anxiety attack. The last time I went to confession was about 2 ½ years ago, and the priest made rude homophobic remarks about me and didn’t even make an effort to aid in my struggles. This return to confession didn’t come easy, I spent about 40 minutes before shaking, anxious, and trying to pray as hard as possible. I was over come with an image of all of my closest friends standing behind me with their hands on my back, my shoulder, my head. Letting me know that its okay, that they are here to help me through, and that I am strong enough to come back to God. 

I haven’t felt so at peace, like this, in years. I am blessed by those beautiful souls I have met this weekend. I am reminded about how my friends have nothing but unconditional love for me. Most importantly, I am revived in a spirit that felt as if it was dwindling away. 

And now, 3 days, 7 hours of sleep, and 4 tissue boxes later, I am at home. On my couch. Ready to climb into bed and start my day tomorrow with love in my heart and peace on my mind. 

So one of my friends is doing a project on intersectionality of identity and she asked if she could interview me on the intersections of my Queer Identity and my Catholic Identity. I, of course, said yes, and she just sent me the list of questions that she will be asking so I am not freaked out when I am being interviewed. She also said we will have 5-7 minutes for the interview… I talk way to much for that, so that is going to be a challenge. ANYWAYS, to help me prepare myself I am going to answer the questions on Tumblr before I answer them in my interview…

I am reclaiming my spiritual identity. I am reclaiming Christ for me. I am reclaiming Him queer, for each time I see his face and his body upon that cross I see all of us who have been persecuted by those in charge, those that make these bullshit binaries, and those who refuse to even dare think outside the box. I am reclaiming Catholicism, as a queer religion, as a source of great truth admits the dark and oppressive history that cloaks it. I am reclaiming Chastity, not as a vow to abstain from sex, because lets be honest Sex is fucking wonderful, but instead I am reclaiming Chastity to take my my sexuality into my own hands and work with it and polish it into the beautiful gift that it is. I am reclaiming my spiritual identity. I am a Queer Catholic. I break the bonds of Church conformity and I find beauty in the love and compassion of the Sacred heart of Jesus. I am critical of the pope and in no way do I believe in One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. I do believe in One, Holy, and Catholic God. Because you see, Catholic, it means universal. The Catholic Church, the Catholic God, is a universal Church, it is a universal God. And those other faiths, systems of thought, that are made up of believers, non-believers, and skeptics, those are just all the ways God manifests Theirs self in order for them to understand. God is not an objective truth. God is a subjective experience. You experience Them everyday, you experience Their love everyday, your interpretation might not be that that is the love of God, but it is. So I am making a reclamation, my spirituality is one that it is Queer, one that is Catholic, and one that takes the love and compassion of the words of Christ and puts them into work on the daily. 

I have spent the last 7 days at my home away from home, working hard, carrying cement filled buckets, bending re-bar, and growing in both faith and fellowship. The home I am talking about is Tijuana, Mexico. TJ is a beautiful city, in which love and hospitality pours out of the smiles and words of the people I had been so blessed to work with. This has been my fourth time traveling to Tijuana to work with impoverished families to build them a stronger house. I started at the age of 14 working with Esperanza and 5 years later my love for Esperanza and for Tijuana has only strengthened. 

I think is the one thing in life I want to understand. I want to understand; who I am, where I stand, how others perceive me, how perceive myself. I know that this concept brings up a lot of issues and there are so many facets that make up ones identity and each person weighs each individual facet differently. I am also unfortunately flawed in my perception due to my own privileges that have been mine since birth, I am Caucasian, I am born and raised in America, I am upper-middle class, I am a cisgender male, I am Catholic, I was “fortunate” enough to be put through private schooling for 14 years of my life (I say fortunate in quotations because there are times when that fortune was a curse), and the only facet of my identity that is different from mainstream white, upper-middle class, male Americans is that I am gay. 

My being gay was never an important part of who I was until recently. Growing up, I knew I was “different” from other boys but I never had a term for that part of me that was different until around the 8th grade. As soon as I learned what that term was and what it meant I was terrified, not of myself, but of this social construct of what a “gay man” is and how I have witnessed my “social group”’s treatment of queer people. I was blinded by these “fortunes”,which have been blessed upon me, by the fact of where and who I was born into. I never thought about looking at the world through different lenses until my senior year of high school, and when I learned how to do that my whole world changed.

I know what its like to view the world as a minority and a majority. I, now, know what its like to have to fight for rights and I know how to discuss topics in a positive non-anger filled way because I used to be just like the people who are against what I believe. When I came to the realization that I was gay, I became the most Catholic Catholic person I knew (with exceptions of priests, nuns, the pope etc.) and I tried with all my might to “pray the gay away” and I believed that anything was capable through God.

Alas, I am still here, still queer, and I got used to it. More so, I accepted it and it has opened so many more lenses of perception and have allowed me to become a more open-minded and inclusive person. I still identify myself with my faith, but it is not the entirety of my being, and the same goes for being gay. I choose to focus my time and energy on these facets, being religion and sexuality/gender, because the lack of physical appearance they have on a person. No one can know for sure your faith, sexuality, or gender for sure unless the ask you because these are parts of your Identity that are personal, that only you know unless you choose to share it with the world. 

So I don’t know why I just wrote this long post… I am just trying to understand identity and where people come from, and the funny thing is… I don’t exactly know where I am from. So I guess that is what life is about… 

For those who don’t speak Spanish, the words above means “my love, my hope, my prayers, all towards Tijuana”. I just got back from Mexico today… literally an hour ago I landed here in Seattle and I can’t sleep just yet because SO MANY things have happened to me this past week. In the U.S. the media portrays Tijuana as this dangerous city where people are getting killed in drug wars everyday… but in reality Tijuana is more beautiful than the U.S. could ever be. I am not talking about the appearance because everyone can agree that run down homes and diseased dogs aren’t beautiful, but what is beautiful is the LOVE and HOPE and COMMUNITY the Mexican people have for their city and for their country. I worked along side a couple who lived inside a house that is literally made out of ply-wood and tin roof and they were so eager to help and welcome us into their home. I got the privilege to go to an orphanage for girls and for that brief hour and a half there was no barrier between us and them. It was just love and respect for one another that allowed us to play games and talk with them even though many, and my self included, cannot speak Spanish. This trip refreshed why I love Mexico and why I love helping others. LOVE thats all I can say is that love has this amazing ability to break down barriers whether that barriers is as abstract as language or as tangible as a physical wall between to countries. LOVE will always find a way to makes its presence known and it is so easily passed from one person to another as long as both parties are willing to come in with open hearts and open arms.

This is not to say this trip wasn’t hard… It was. whether it was pickaxing a clay wall for hours on end, passing buckets filled with cement to build a retaining wall, or digging trenches in which to lay a foundation for a home. It was hard work, I have never been so sore in my life. Especially when you are working through blazing heat one day and the next be pouring down rain that floods your trenches causing you to start all over. But when one is with a community so focused around love, friendship, and faith its hard to complain. I feel so much closer to the people I worked alongside with after this week and I feel I have a greater respect for Mexico and its People. 

So I will post pictures later but right now I am going to go to sleep. So good night tumblr, Its good to be back.

by Lizzy Cheng 

We only wish to be in control of our lives

But our Greatest Enemy is our fear

The Fear of Helplessness

The Fear of the Great Unkown

The Fear of the Future

The Future, so mysterious

The Darkness, so malicious 

We unconsciously let the chaos take control

We run away from opportunities

We Create Boundaries and Limit our Potential

We forge chains and restrain our dreams

But although our fear may be strong

And our exhaustion unbearable

From these pains, We gain Power

From these moments of suffering, We gain Wisdom

From these doubts, We gain Courage

Do not Be Afraid to Fail.

Rise Above to Embrace Life

Fight to be liberated

Live For the Future.