So one of my friends is doing a project on intersectionality of identity and she asked if she could interview me on the intersections of my Queer Identity and my Catholic Identity. I, of course, said yes, and she just sent me the list of questions that she will be asking so I am not freaked out when I am being interviewed. She also said we will have 5-7 minutes for the interview… I talk way to much for that, so that is going to be a challenge. ANYWAYS, to help me prepare myself I am going to answer the questions on Tumblr before I answer them in my interview…
- Could you tell me about your experience as someone who is actively involved in your faith and the LGBT community? My overall experience as someone who is both active in my faith and in the LGBTQ* community has been a roller-coaster of emotions, actions, and experiences. There have been days when both identities have come together and I am at peace with myself and with God and where I want to go, and then a week later I can be filled with self-doubt, anger, anxiety due to wondering if I am “good enough to be Catholic”. It hasn’t been easy. Its been one of the biggest struggles I have ever faced in my life. I have had to deal with “friends”, priests, and strangers telling me that I am “intrinsically evil”, “unnatural”, and “equal to that of a murderer/abortionist”. I have had the most amazing discussions of faith with my queer siblings. I have had the most wonderful talks of identity with my Catholic brothers and sisters. I have hated myself, hated God, and hated the Church. I have felt the shattering of my heart as I watched my “friends” tell me they don’t want me to get married. I have felt the silencing of my voice when I try to create safe space for Queer Religious. And yet through all the pain, the joys, the strife… I am still here.. I am still Queer… and I am still Catholic
- What is one challenge you have had to face in regards to this? The most challenging part of my experience with my identity was in high school. I went to an all boys private Catholic school and I was so, SO, deep in the closet I am pretty sure I was in Narnia. I refused to accept that I was even remotely gay, which I knew very well by the time I was 14 that I was, and because of this supression I hated myself. I tried to, as many say, “pray the gay away”, and I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted God to “fix” me. This self hatred hit an all time low during my Junior year. I was in my “Christian Morality” class and my teacher told me that all “homosexuals” are “intrinsically evil”, “morally wrong”, and that “homosexuality is a mental disorder”. I went home… and I don’t think I had ever hated myself, my identity, more than I did that day. The ironic thing is that what kept me going, was my faith. I was a huge part of my youth group in my Church. My youth group was my safe-haven where I didn’t need to worry about being perceived as “gay” or “straight” , its where I truly felt loved by God and that the God we talked about in high school was not my youth group’s God.
- How would you approach someone who is struggling to express both their religious views and their sexual identity? You’re religion needs you. For me, I see so much beauty in my faith, in my Church. If you are struggling to come to terms, pray, experience, find God in the struggle. If I hadn’t struggled with my identity, my relationship with God would not be what it is today. And if you can’t understand how you can be apart of “the Church” (whatever it may be) realize that you need to be apart of it. You are needed, and that times are changing. The Church moves slow. It is SO fucking slow, but you and I know that once it comes around it will be like “Why of course we have always said that the ‘LGBTQ* community has always been loved by God’ and not acknowledge their mistakes at all.
- How have you personally managed to make peace with both aspects of your identity? Prayer. Prayer and theory. I say prayer because its what keeps me centered, its in prayer when I truly felt loved by God. Adoration, the Rosary, worship music. Prayer helps me keep peace within my heart and helps me talk to God. I say theory because Queer theory has taught me how to look at the Church and see the possibilities. Where many see an institution void of Queer Identity and Queer members I see so many queer saints, popes, and spaces that once the Church "comes out” it will be the overflowing with queerness (not that it isn’t already).
- On a scale of 1-10, how much do you see both of these aspects influencing what you want to do in a future career? I assume 10 is meaning SO MUCH INFLUENCE. So, I am definitely a 10! I aspire to be a Queer Theologian. I aspire to critique and understand how these two “seemingly opposing” identities are actually aiding in furthering each other’s understanding of themselves. To take Queer out of the Church to me is like taking Christ out of the Church. And if you are Catholic you know. that is IMPOSSIBLE. SO 10!!!